A Mother's Intuition

Josh turned 15 this past year, and those 15 years have been a learning experience for me- more so than just basic motherhood.

Starting at about 18 months old, I began to notice things in Josh. Being a new mother and Josh being my first child, I didn't know how to handle what I thought I thinking... boy, that was a weird sentence...

Greg and I had moved to a new place. We didn't have very much money and no insurance, so I never took Josh to the Doctor unless he was sick. But I did notice things about his speech.

I thought he sounded tone def or something. He just didn't say his sounds right. Also, he didn't play with his toys like other kids. Instead he would line them up according to size, shape and color. I wondered if he had some form of Autism or if this was just his personality... I didn't know much about Autism other than Rainman, but Josh was obsessive-compulsive about things like Rainman...

I know I spoke my thoughts out loud on a few occasions to family, but it was more like wondering than an actual concern... kinda like I was looking for some validation to what I was thinking... But like I said, I didn't take Josh to the Doctor, and even if I had, I'm not so sure that I would have voiced my concerns because I didn't really know if they were concerns- Josh being my first and all, I didn't really have anything to compare him to.

Greg and I moved back to Indiana and Josh enrolled in preschool. Now having a second child (Caleb) to compare Josh's reactions to certain things, I did think there was something going on with Josh. Josh's teachers made comments as well, concerning his behavior... a lack in social skills mostly, along with a paralyzing fear he would sometimes display... Hence, began an evaluation.

Through kindergarten and first grade, we had a lot of doctor appointments and office visits. Josh was diagnosed with a mild/moderate hearing loss in both ears and a form of 'selective mutism'... what ever the heck that means... But I wasn't satisfied with that terminology and asked on a couple different times about autism. I was always told no- but that the symptoms in learning behaviors overlap. So that is what I was seeing, and not actual Autism.

Elementary school was a time of many struggles. Josh's difficulties were mild and mirrored symptoms of several different things. We struggled with school work, correcting his hearing and social skills- I struggled with asking myself if we were doing all that we could for Josh. I felt I wasn't being listened to, but in all fairness, I didn't make a lot of noise because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be making noise about... if that makes sense...

The school did work with us and provided some assistance for Josh, but I still felt there was something else. I read several books on children with hearing loss. Josh could hear enough to get by, but he was experiencing indirect affects of his loss. He wasn't def enough to be labeled into any certain category that would automatically provide him other assistance. Instead, we struggled along, unsure of what direction to take.

Eventually I settled with the fact that Josh's struggles were all hearing related. Every book I read commented that children with hearing loss display behavior symptoms that run parallel to several different disabilities, which makes it very hard to diagnose them with any kind of learning disability... well, that described us to a T...

To make this every growing story short, we did put Josh on a form of ADD medicine a few years ago and it does seem to make a difference in his school work. With every thing we struggled through, Josh does 99% of his work on his own and gets mostly B's with a few C's... every now and then a D...

Josh still struggles socially, but starting this past summer, there have been some other issues surface that has caused us concern. I took Josh to his ADD Dr this morning and his dad met us down there. We both expressed our concerns and described Josh's behavior as best as we could. Understanding that it is hard to diagnose learning disabilities, especially with Josh because of his hearing loss and lack of communication skills- the Doctor gave us what his guess would be. A mild form of Autism

I sighed heavy- Relieved to hear someone else say that. But angry at myself for not fighting harder all those years in elementary school... I knew it. I knew it. I knew it!... I understand that this is just his guess concerning all that is going on with Josh. The Dr is referring us to the big Children's Hospital for further evaluation. But at least we are moving forward to get Josh to a point where he can have a healthy adult life.

Interesting enough, I fought and fought to keep Josh off medication. Josh's ADD Dr has been one of the best things, I wish I would have taken Josh sooner- but on the flip side, if he does have Autism, the medication wont do anything for him, so I was right (maybe) in not wanting to put him on meds. But if I hadn't given in to the medication, Josh would not be seeing this Doctor.

Autism (mild as it may be) is something I've always wanted Josh tested for. But I didn't push, not hard enough. Through my experience with Josh... and this has over flowed into my own medical care... I have learned that the Doctor is not the final authority on my families health. I Am.

Glad we are moving in a positive direction, instead of a stand still- but I am frustrated with myself. I wasn't happy with settling. Josh was getting by- but it wasn't good enough. He deserves better. He deserves all that life has to offer. And now, hopefully, we are on a path that will help him accomplish that.

*Oh, they always weigh and measure Josh. He has put on 5 lbs and grew 2 inches in just 3 months. No wonder his pants are starting to look like flood-waters.